MKOTBlog

I’d like to tell you about some exciting changes that are forthcoming here on creativeblogname. As some of you may know, I have recently been selected to be a blogger for The Spin, the opinion blog of the Daily Pennsylvanian, the University of Pennsylvania’s independent school newspaper. I have already gone through training, met some wonderful people in the organization, and am now incredibly excited to get this new project in my life underway.

Unfortunately, circumstances (school and life in general) will no longer permit me to write daily posts for this blog without dropping out and later ending up in an asylum. Therefore, I will be featured on The Spin every Tuesday and Friday of this semester (starting this Friday!), and I will do my best to update this blog on the other days of the week. The biggest predicament is to come up with a new day/name for flashbackfriday, as flashbackwednesday or flashbacksunday just don’t have the same ring to it. How about SappySaturdays? MemorylaneMondays? WistfulWednesdays? Okay, I’ll keep trying and get back to you.

The award for "Worst Business Name" goes to... (40th and Chestnut)

Today, Anthony and I decided to take our friend Richard out to Koch’s Deli for a Penn dining experience before his flight back home to London tonight. For those who haven’t been, what is wrong with you? Koch’s Deli is located on Locust between 43rd and 44th, the same location it has been for 42 years. A trip to this establishment is an investment of both your time and energy, as you will stand and wait at least 20 minutes in a cramped space (today we waited almost an hour), overwhelmed by the smell of deli meats, cheeses, and the guy in front of you’s sweat. Don’t worry, though, as you will be heavily rewarded with entertainment (provided by the animated and almost obnoxious sandwich makers who yell and make jokes the entire day), samples (meats, cheeses, pickles, you name it), and of course, the gigantic meat-wich at the end.

The Rachel, the female counterpart of the Reuben. Like Adam and Eve, even sandwiches come in pairs.

But I am boring you with a descriptive consumer report on a campus dining establishment, which has been previously written literally thousands of times. One of them can be found here. The exciting story is what I saw happen near the end of my wait this afternoon. Anthony and I had both ordered the Rachel (above), and were eagerly anticipating our lunches, amused as the sandwich guy yelled out things like “Hot pastrami! Let’s see some hands for hot pastrami!” or “I don’t see no cheese hands for the Swiss cheese! Let’s see some cheese hands!” or “Hey you ladies I want you to taste my pickles!” (I think the last one may qualify as harassment in some states). At this point, two girls entered the shop, most likely nursing hangovers, and started looking at the menu. One of the two girls made the fatal mistake of claiming that she had never been to Koch’s…. and the sandwich man, upon hearing this, POUNCED. Screaming things like “YOU’RE A VIRGIN???” and “WE HAVE BEEN HERE 42 YEARS AND YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?” and “HOW ARE YOU A VIRGIN???”, he went on to proclaim to the entire restaurant that he would “break her virginity”.

I had never seen a girl so uncomfortable in my life. She awkwardly stood there, her friend offering zero support, as the guy made her a sandwich on the house in celebration of her “virginity breaking.” Through this we found out that she was a vegetarian (what the hell was she doing in a deli?), so the guy made her vegetarian sandwich, then nearly took her head off when he threw a chocolate chip cookie, on the house, at her face. To further involve her in the flurry of activity, he cut up a mountain of pastrami and tried to have her pass it around the restaurant for the rest of the customers to sample. Traumatized, she backed away, refusing to even touch the meat (again, what the hell was she doing in a deli?).

I don’t know what happened afterwards, as at this point our Rachels arrived and we ran out of the restaurant to satisfy our ravenous hunger. I can only imagine the horrors she experienced, and can say with 99.99% certainty I will never see her there again.

The Rachel, by the way, was well worth the hour long wait. Mmm Koch’s.

As the Democratic National Convention wrapped up this past week, the event only confirmed that this is one of the most fascinating election seasons that I can remember… which I guess isn’t saying a whole lot because I can really only remember 3. The sad thing, though, is that I realized I haven’t been paying as much attention as I should have been. However, it’s now time for a change. All these speeches, talks, presentations, and round-the-clock coverage have really motivated me to get involved with the whole political scene, and what has impacted me the most are the upcoming debates.

Welcome to the generic college dorm room poster sale...

What could be more exciting than watching two gigantic political rivals, butting heads over the core divisive issues that face this country today? What could be more exciting than scrutinizing each and every word the candidates say, knowing any slip could destroy the integrity of an entire campaign, an entire career, an entire life? So much drama and so much action…

Alright, enough talk! I now put myself out there to join this irresistible action! I want to know what it feels like to take part in an intellectually and emotionally stimulating debate, to argue my case for the issues and beliefs I hold dearest to my heart. I want to be challenged by a very worthy opponent, who forces me to step out of my comfort zone to see the other side’s point of view while using all the available neurons of my brain in an attempt to make the other side see my ways of perception. And most importantly, I want to engage in a polite yet heated, but also civil conversation, without having to resort to immature tactics like personal attacks and pandering to the public.

...where you can make a unique and bold statement by buying and putting up the same poster as thousands of other fellow college students!

Okay… so now that’s set, what to debate about? How about the big story making all the headlines, presidential candidate John McCain’s running mate choice? Sarah Palin, a little-known governor of Alaska, has already proved herself to be a polarizing character, and a perfect topic of my self-debate.

I will first take the side of pro-Palin. I present to you that my lengthy research has shown that Sarah Palin is a worthwhile candidate because of the facts:

John McCain’s vice-presidential pick, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, is an evangelical Protestant with… an openness to teaching creationism in the public schools.

Wait, what? Creationism in schools? Screw this, that’s stupid.

New Student Orientation is officially alive and kicking. Out and about last night, my friends and I saw packs of bright-eyed, innocent freshies walking up to parties together, obsessing over the abundance of free alcohol, and awkwardly grinding up on each other all night long on the dance floor. Oh those were the good ol’ days…

Welcome to Penn!

The year has officially started for Mask and Wig as well, as we had our first meeting today, which will be followed by our first rehearsal for Free Show tonight. Free Show is a show that we put on for free (duh) to recruit freshman at the beginning of every year. It’s one of our favorite productions of the year, as we mostly perform old but tested material that we know like the back of our hands. It’s the show that will set the tone for the rest of the year yet requires the least amount of work. This year’s Free Show will take place Sunday September 7 at the Zellerbach Theater, time TBD (I think 8pm).

Oh my god, as long as we are sitting in this circle, let me tell you all about this crazy party I went to last night...

The meeting today was very exciting, not only because we all got to see each other again after a few months of separation (with exception to the cast, of course), but thanks to the presence of Andrew Nelson. Andrew is a film student at Temple University, making a documentary about… you guessed it, Mask and Wig! He recently won a grant for his proposal to document the creative processes of Mask and Wig. He will be shadowing and filming us everyday for the next month or so, capturing the progression of the writing, rehearsing, and the performing of our upcoming fall show. I know I recently complained about the rampant drama and politics of our organization, but I’m happy now that it will all be captured and available for people to enjoy through documentary/reality TV form. Keep an eye out for me, as I plan to squeeze in as many Jim Halpert camera faces a la The Office:

Last night a few friends and I tried to go to Blarney (a campus bar, for you non-Penn readers) and experienced something quite absurd. My British friend and I, both 21, got rejected from the bar because we didn’t own US identification. Apparently the employees of Blarney had attended some “conference” where they created a new policy by which they refused to accept or acknowledge non-US ID’s.

Seriously? I don’t really know the laws regarding this matter, so if someone could clarify this for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps I have no right to be confused, as maybe there is some legal loophole that I don’t know about that allows bar managers to make such decisions. Regardless of my lack of knowledge concerning this matter, I will still rant because I’m pissed off. It means that from now on, I won’t be allowed into the Blarney Stone unless I have a passport (who the hell carries around their passport to a bar?) or apply for a Pennsylvania state ID, which has absolutely no use for me except gaining access to some shitty bar. What is the logic? Are that many people using fake international ID’s? Or did the manager of Blarney just decide to make it harder for him/herself to run his/her business by driving away their customers, seeing as how they can’t even compete with Smoke’s, the other on-campus bar (Evidence: The huge line outside of Smoke’s last night vs. The maybe 15-20 lame asses sipping on drinks in Blarney)?

So fuck you Blarney, what the hell do you have against Brits and Canadians? I call upon you, the international students of Penn, to rise up against this tyrannical establishment spitting out its prejudices!!! First meeting of the International Students against Blarney will be held in Blarney, tonight.

I had a major brain fart today, and would like to share my moment of absent mindedness with all of you.

Where's your head?

This sunny, beautiful afternoon in Philadelphia, I decided that I needed some sun after being stuck indoors for the majority of the time I was in Georgia. I was too lazy to leave the house, however, so I decided to grab a book and lie out on my “porch” outside of my bedroom window. For those who haven’t been, I use the term “porch” here very loosely, as it is just an extension of the room below, and probably about to collapse under any weight at any given minute. Despite its questionable safety, it is one of my favorite places to hang out in (outside) my house, and the fact that I can see everything happening in the backyard of the AEPi chapter house during their house parties and uh, “pledge get-togethers,” just adds to its appeal.

Anyway, as I made myself comfortable on the roof, I decided I didn’t want any bugs flying into my room, so I started to shut the window screen behind me. An inch away from the bottom, I pushed a little too hard and closed the screen, while simultaneously realizing that there was no way to open up the screen again from the outside. If you’ve listened to David Cross’ stand-up on his It’s Not Funny record, it was exactly like his bit about locking your keys in the car… you know what you’re doing as you’re doing it, but you don’t stop yourself from doing it. I was fully aware that by shutting the screen I would lock myself outside on the roof, yet I pushed the screen closed. I was stuck on the roof of my own house.

Realizing my predicament, I decided to explore my surroundings. The first thing I did was to not look like as if I was panicking, as there were guys in the AEPi backyard, and construction workers in the house next door, and all of them, I was convinced, would laugh at me if they saw me stuck on my roof, helplessly crying, rolled up in a fetal position. Then, I came up with an easy solution… why not just call one of my roommates, who could come into my room and save me from this embarrassing situation? Well, that would’ve been too easy, and I had conveniently decided to leave my phone on my bed, mere inches away from the closed window screen. Great.

So now what? I thought to myself, well, it can’t be that hard to break open a window screen, right? I decided to use brute force. I crouched, swung my elbow back, and braced myself for an easy breakthrough of the screen. I pictured myself ripping open the window screen like those football players who jump through a banner before a big game. My arm then swung forward, my elbow bounced off the screen, leaving a little dent but not a sign of any significant damage to the screen, while also smashing any confidence I had in my physical strength. This process was repeated thrice.

Well, panicking, calling someone, and using physical force were, at this point, all out of the question. The only option left was to MacGyver myself out of this situation. On the roof next door, I spotted a rusty nail. I stepped over the gap in between our two houses, which actually looked exactly like this, retrieved the nail, and cut two holes in the screen, allowing my hands to squeeze in and open the screen from the inside. I dove headfirst through the window, like an awesome stunt man, on to my bed, and took a nap. The whole thing took about 3 minutes. I guess it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

And now for the most beautiful of them all...

Pass the ball, please?

For all my friends back in Vancouver posting photos of the Pemberton Festival on facebook… I hate all of you, so so so much.

Not to rag on the Division of Public Safety (I mean, it’s soooo overdone), but they have some unusual methods of operation.

For some unknown reason I was browsing through the Daily Pennsylvanian website today (I mean, who reads school newspapers during the summer?), and stumbled upon an article about bicycle security.

Thanks to a policy of Penn’s Division of Public Safety, if you’ve failed to properly lock up your bicycle on campus, you may find it waiting for you in the custody of the Penn Police.

DPS has a policy of taking unattended and unsecured bicycles on campus without the owner’s knowledge. They bring the bicycles to campus security headquarters ­- located at 4040 Chestnut St. – and try to contact the owner of the bike so they can retrieve it.

What? So to teach the lesson of not getting your bike stolen, DPS is going to go ahead and steal your bike for you? If this happened to me, my first reaction wouldn’t be “Thank you Division of Public Safety, for graciously showing me the errors of my ways. From this day forth I will make sure to secure by bicycle so this doesn’t happen again,” but would rather involve some loud, nearly incomprehensible expletives thrown in their direction.

On the other hand, I must admit, if you are so absent-minded that you forget to secure your valuables in a major city like Philadelphia, Penn shouldn’t have to waste their time and resources to reward you with second chances for your naivety.

But hey, people like this do exist, and I guess they need some guidance…

Fail.

I know what some of you may be thinking, which is that the Kryptonite lock secures the front tire to the frame, thereby making any attempts to steal the bike worthless. That doesn’t change the fact that you can easily slide the lock and bike off the top of the pole, steal the bike by wheeling it by its rear tire, and then take the bike apart and sell it for parts. Duh.

This photo, by the way, would be a worthwhile addition to FAIL blog.